Why do we stand in prisons of shame and yet we can be freed? why do we look to teh Sky for answers yet fail to accepte it once it has arrived? Does not an eagle soar so high as to swoop and steal its food from teh talons of the falcon? Doets not the lord do teh same can he not save us above and beyond what we see fit for a bird? can he not give us more then we need? can he not give us strength to battle? can he not renew our hearts so taht we may fight a good battle?

Only Hope

What is it in love that cannot be taken away? Is it the feeling of ecstasy? is it the knowing of internal warmth? Is it the final thought of who loves one more most?

darkness seems to be a realm that never ceases fighting. even when i sleep i am prepared to fall. For out of darkness lurks the dark beings who devour and feast on the flesh of the wicked. Wow, ok so who is phsycotic? um well me kinda, not really. its more like teh utter fact that im a flippin sinner, that i have no face value, that this phosode of a life is so corrupting to all who look at me. And i can no longer find peace with my own methods of joy and tranquility. For out of nothing i can be nothing its like i cant even understand why im the way i am. but then im reminded that i dont sin because God made me that way but becasue i am weak and have not asked for stregth, i have not stood strong to my own human words but let down each own and disgrunted to my own exsistence. I have let nothing but lies and sinful nature control my life and my very exsistence of joy. Out of such i have hurt many and left few remaining to actually confide in. i have killed each iwth the same tactic, a batit thena drop once i am understood to teh point of my own liking perhaps more tehn ever it is time the i quiet being a people pleaser and suck up to the fact that i struggle with crap all teh time. every single day i strulgge with my very exsistence, with the reason of my being, with the understanding of who i am to marry, of who i am to date, of what i am to do to fufill my chosen path before the Lord,. Somedays i want no fight at all. right now is one of those days, i hate life, i dont want to fight, i dont watn to stand up, i watn to blend in adn just be found out, like get in trouble so that i may in return like be disciplined for my own actions taht have gone unheeded for so long.

Whats your level of commitment facing change?

Well as of this morning i wasnt sold on it at all. I messed up, then it hit me. All the lessons ive done on here Radical amputation especially It was like wow. This afternoon, i was mad and questioning. I hated myself for falling, but then i realized the only reason i cared was because i was afraid of the consequences. Purity is not obtained by being Good, and or just playing hide and seek with porn like Achan. I have to lop it off with a steel sword and say no crude are you coming back. Then i have to burn its reminents and bury those, then torch the entire pile again. There can be no Dog returning to its own vomit. Its final in or out. I heard a song this afternoon, it said "Go one more, i have a hundred steps to go, but taking one will make it ninety nine." Radical amputation Heck yes, here i come. Im tired of sin. Im tired of double lives. I want God. I want a relationship with him. Im going radical amputation.

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I am nothing without God. Somehow i miss that every time. I can do it by myself i scream, but really i get stuck then need an unstuck. How dare me walk out and ask for help. its so wrong for me to sin in private then blow it open to God asking for forgiveness. Did he not already know i sinned? Did he not see me standing there in private sinning? Whats the point i ask myself? He is always watching. Some say well how intrusive of him. But if we fail to see that he is watching and sees us as who we are then we will of have failed and made him mere nothingness but a jeanie.

Where I Am!

Where I am. LOST. Confused. Scared. I have lost any vision i have had. I feel little to nothing. I have no ties to a spiritual life. I am at a mega low. My mind no longer works like it did. It has side tracked. It has found this part of my brain I never knew of. Reasoning to me is like new. I question everything. I feel so out of place. I dont feel normal. I am being sucked in and riddled by the enamy. And i feel Helpless. They say im ok, but they dont know me. They cant see me, only one person has.

Its like a time laspe of my brain. I am questioning everything i know. As if to see if its a fantasy. I lie saying im ok, but really im stuck, im so lost. I want help. but all my help is reassurance that im ok. Which im not. If i were OK, id be that way.

Please someone HELP!

Theology reformed

In this vast majority of life Ive been looking for the answer to it all. Somehow, Ive never really found it. The questions were normal:
Who am I?
What am I made for?
What is the purpose of life?
How do i live it?
Ive played these questions over and over in my head, coming to a conclusion. The only thing in life that will ever make sense, that will ever bring profit, that will ever make or break a human, Love.

Call it what you may, but im not referring to the thing our world tells us. Its not sex, its not a cute girl, its the heart. Most every problem in the human world is a result of love. Love, the heart its deepest motives. Its deepest desires. Its Love. Its the place of love from me to my lover.

Im a bride. Im a lovly being that God is looking down upon. He is wanting to marry me! Me! He chose me as a person. All my crap! All my problems! I am not a righteous person. I dont have all the answers. Im not super human relgious man. Im a sinner. Im a loser in most peoples eyes. Im a dweeb, a simple person that is trying so hard to make it out alive from the sin that is crushing me.

Literally im so tired. Not physically, spiritually. I cant feel anything. Im out of touch with everything. Everyone! Im a wanderer among people. Like a showdow among crowds. Unnoticed and untouched by mere words.

So unloving everything is. Love is more powerful then all my crap, then all my pain, then all my fourth comings. LOVE was nailed to a cross. Love is the reason im alive. Love is the thing that makes people insane. Love makes or breaks a person. Love is everything

The other side

It all seems fine,
But the sun wont shine,
Death feels near,
Its pangs feel gripping,
A light breaks in,
Somthing happens,
A light is awakened.

What bliss is this,
What type of drug,
It feels so good,
Its freedoms awakening,
The dormant parts arise again
The truth revealed
Setting free of sin.

It dragged me down,
It killed me soft,
The shame to great,
The guilt to much
But the burdens gone,
I've been set free,
Take hold my savior,
And guide me.